I woke up today...again...feeling tired, achy, foggy--my body weak, and diminishing daily. This thing that has a grasp on me is iron-clad, and refuses to let go. Justin sent me a link the other day to the CDC's info. page on chronic fatigue syndrome. There was a lot of good information. They offered the most accurate definition I've seen yet...
"As the name chronic fatigue syndrome suggests, this illness is accompanied by fatigue. However, it's not the kind of fatigue patients experience after a particularly busy day or week, after a sleepless night or after a stressful event. It's a severe, incapacitating fatigue that isn't improved by bed rest and that may be exacerbated by physical or mental activity. It's an all-encompassing fatigue that results in a dramatic decline in both activity level and stamina.
People with CFS function at a significantly lower level of activity than they were capable of prior to becoming ill. The illness results in a substantial reduction in occupational, personal, social or educational activities."
As I read through all the symptoms, possible causes, treatment options, etc...my body quickly cycled through a range of emotions. I went from feeling understood to hopeless to grateful, then back to hopeless. I landed on angry for a while--blaming Justin's deployment for doing this to me...
"Physical or emotional stress, which is commonly reported as a pre-onset condition in CFS patients..."
I swam in self-pity most of the afternoon, and then rested with guilt over what this is doing to my family.
At the end of the day, the only thing running through my head was this...
"... full recovery from CFS may be rare, with an average of only 5% to 10% sustaining total remission."
So, pretty much, my old life is over. Done. The chances of ever recovering myself, are slim...and slim & I have never been friends.
Upon reading that sentence, hope escaped me. Usually, when I'm feeling discouraged by my physical limitations, I go here for a little dose of inspiration. I've never met Stephanie, but feel like we're friends. She's unknowingly helped me through some rough times.
This particular day, I knew I needed to visit her blog, but pity & I were become fast friends, and we didn't want to go.
So we didn't.
Then this morning, I sat down at my computer to check my email & browse for any interesting updates on facebook, and there it was...in the first facebook status. It was Stephanie, my friend. The church had made a short video of her story, and there it was...at the top of the page. This morning...really? Right there at the top of the page?
I humbled myself and clicked on the link.
Tender mercies.
The Lord continues to give me what I need, when I need it, in a way that I will undoubtedly recognize it is for me. I'm so grateful for parents who taught me at a young age, that I have a Father in Heaven and a Brother & Savior who I can have a very personal relationship with. They are not an idea, a theory, or an entity too great to comprehend. They are part of my eternal family. They are intimately aware of my needs...my weaknesses, my desires, my fears, & my strengths. They are constantly giving & taking at just the right times in order to guide me through a maze that seems, at times, unconquerable. It is merciful...in the most loving, knowing, & tender way.
good things...
1. reminders
2. the relief of letting the weight of pride go
3. the gospel of Jesus Christ
