land of the living

Well...there's so much to say, I'm not quite sure where to start.  I realize this poor blog of mine has been sadly neglected since Justin's return from Afghanistan.  Some of you have assumed I've been too busy enjoying my husband to be bothered with writing.  And while I am ridiculously grateful for every day he is home with us, this is not the reason.  The reason has everything to do with my body revolting against me--as if I've hurt it's feelings, or something.  My doctor calls it Chronic Fatigue Syndrome...but I've come to realize that's just a label they slap on you when they can't figure out your problem.

Now, I know I have a lot of problems :), but I'm talking about the tired/achey variety.  It seems ridiculous to even describe it that way.  When I say tired...I mean painfully tired...every part of you aches tired...literally sleeping for days on end tired...feeling as tired when you wake up as when you go to sleep tired...becoming a lump on the couch your kids used to call mom tired...turning your husband into a single dad tired...praying that if you fall asleep & never wake up, it won't be your kids that find you tired.  Seriously, I've been tired.

It all really started during Justin's deployment.  Obviously, I chalked it up to the stress & fatigue of caring for 4 young kidos while my husband was on the other side of the world, in a war-torn country.  I assumed I would slowly start to feel better once he was home.  I assumed wrong.  I started to feel nervous after a few months, as things seemed to get progressively worse.  Still, we called it recovery time and tried to be patient.

As each month passed, I was sleeping more & more.  When I was awake, I felt awful.  I would ache.  It felt like my insides were shaking, and the more I tried to just power through it...the worse it got.  I felt desperately tired.  All I could think about was how desperate I was to just lay down and close my eyes.  I was quickly becoming the world's grumpiest mom & neglectful wife.  I thought I was dying...literally.  

I tried to save my energy for the things that mattered most--the kids, my calling.  Everything else got put on hold.  Justin became a super hero...adding my responsibilities to his own, and taking it all in stride.  I have never known a better man.

Naturally, they've tested me for just about every disease known to man!  I think they've taken more blood than they left.  I've been tested for a hole in my heart...and cried when I didn't have one.  So, at the end of the day, we call it Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)--the blanket diagnosis that no one ever really knows what to do with.

Then, one day, my dentist mentioned how his father was having similar symptoms, and his doctor put him on Ritalin.  It didn't make too much sense to me, so I turned to my good friend Google!  I was surprised at all the info. out there.  Nothing's proven, but there are plenty of tests, and people who swear by it.  I know a lot of people are anti-Ritalin, but I was willing to try just about anything.

After convincing my doctor to let me give it a try, for the first time in a very looooong time, I stayed awake for a full day!  I know that doesn't mean much to most of you, 
but for me...a small miracle.

So, here we are today.  I can't say that the Ritalin gives me any more energy, but at least I'm conscious during the daylight hours. At least I don't have to set my alarm every day to make sure I don't sleep through picking the kids up from school.  At least my kids now remember who the lump under the blanket is.  Small steps.  It's not a long-term solution, but at least it allows me to function until we can figure it out.  Again...small steps.

I'm trying to look past the daily frustration of not being able to do what I want to do...or even what I need to do...but trying to increase my faith that one day I'll feel "normal" again.  And even more than that, trying to remain grateful for the ridiculous amount of blessings in my life.

Most of all, I'm grateful to (once again) take residency in the land of the living.  I'm grateful to be living my life, instead of watching it...or, more appropriately, 
dreaming of it. :)

So, there you have it!  I didn't post this so you would feel sorry for me, and bring me doughnuts & chocolate milk. c:  I just thought I'd throw out an official explanation for all of you who've recently asked me, "Are you feeling okay?"...to which I'd reply, "I'm okay--just tired."  

Also...I wanted to document the reason why my poor children will have memories of a mom who was ALWAYS tired.  An explanation for why, after Dad got home from Afghanistan, Mom became the lump on the couch and dad took over.  What a blessing he is here to take over!

There is more I wanted to mention...

so much going on!  But it will have to wait for another day because, well...I'm tired.

good things...

1. the quiet feel of a small town

2. the coming of spring break!

3. the gift of the Resurrection & the perfection of our mortal bodies