Dear Anyone who feels I've forgotten, neglected, avoided, snubbed, or let you down--
It's a lie! At the very least, it's unintentional. :) My body is falling apart right now. I'm not sure why...no one seems to know why. But as someone who has a hard time saying no...to anyone...or turning my back...on anyone or anything...I am definitely learning a lesson I've never had to learn before. During Justin's deployment, I learned I could do hard things--I mean, REALLY hard things. I learned how to be all things to all people. I sucked it up. I powered through. I played every role that needed to be played... and I survived! I relied on the Lord, day in & day out. He taught me what I was capable of...and now He's teaching me what I am NOT capable of:
1. I am NOT capable of functioning when the physical
& emotional break down at the same time.
I have anxiety issues...a genetic inheritance from my Dad.
I would have preferred a house by the lake--but, you know how it goes, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!" SO...I deal with it...I handle it...it's under control... usually. When I'm physically strong, I can handle the emotional stuff. When I'm emotionally strong, I can handle the physical stuff. I'm quickly learning that when they collapse together...which has never really happened before...I'm pretty much toast. My energy level is zero.
My emotional capacity is zero.
2. I am NOT capable of being all things to all people
in the midst of said breakdown.
There is nothing that makes me cringe more, than the thought that I have let someone down, hurt someone's feelings, or dropped the ball. I'm always the first to volunteer...sign up to do something, bring something, be something, etc...whether I feel up to it, or not! I'm usually glad I did...and the thought that anyone is ever left hanging, is painful for me (because I know how that feels)...so I just keep signing up. Like I said, it's usually do-able & under control...and, most often, rewarding. I am learning through a series of painful experiences, that when you are at ZERO...you, quite literally, have NOTHING to give. I'm learning that the only way to make things better...and they MUST get better...is to experiment. Try new things, different things, different combinations of new & different things. Unfortunately, the journey consists of a lot of crash & burns...leading to said breakdown. Hopefully, it will pay off in the end with a resolution.
In the meantime...my only choice is to put anything not directly related to my day-to-day survival, and my ability to care for my family...on hold. Believe me, I've tried to keep all those balls in the air, while I try to figure this out...and they keep falling on my head--hard! They might kill me before whatever it is I have does!
3. I am NOT capable of controlling what
other people think of me.
We moved to Lindon in the midst of this Chronic Fatigue fiasco. (If you're not familiar, you can read about it here
or here.) Anyhow, I have never felt more NOT like myself. I find myself wishing we could be somewhere else--where people know me...the real me...the pre-Chronic Fatigue me. Somewhere where people know this is a temporary set-back...where people know who I really am...what I'm capable of...and who I will be again when the dust settles. It seems like some kind of cruel joke that we move to the place where we plan to live forever, at the same time that I am at the bottom of my barrel. I feel like the person I am now--the person all these Lindon-ites have met--is the anti-Sue! All of my best qualities & greatest gifts...the things that I feel define me...feel painfully absent. I feel that I'm constantly letting people down--people who don't know, that is NOT me. They just think I'm the new hermit lady who moved into the cul-de-sac. I wish I could go away...figure it out...get better...get myself back...then come back & re-introduce myself to all the people who only know me post-Chronic Fatigue--who only know my nemesis, anti-Sue! I feel lost because no one here knows ME...and how could they? I haven't shown up yet.
4. I am NOT able to choose my trials...only
how I choose to deal with them.
The funny thing is...I usually choose the "have faith, pray for strength, & power through" approach to my trials. The Lord has made it abundantly clear...especially in the last few weeks...that I need to choose another path for this one. The more I push...the further I fall. It seems that coming off the heels of Justin's deployment (which was definitely a "push forward & power through" kind of trial), the Lord is trying to teach me that isn't always the answer. Sometimes the answer is to slow down, simplify, take stock, & re-group. Sometimes the answer is to eliminate anything that isn't essential...not forever, but for now...for the sake of strengthening the basics. I guess I wasn't listening, so He had to take me to zero to get me to stop...and listen...and change. Oh, man...I'm having a moment of clarity. Why, why, why didn't that come earlier?! It would have saved a lot of heartache! I guess that's part of the "learning" portion of this "life is a test" thing. Hmmm. Interesting.
Okay...well, I think I'm done.
I got on to post an apology/explanation to the people I care for...who may not be feeling cared for at the moment. This is what came. And that is why I call this little blog-o-mine my therapist...and friend! So if I drop off the grid for a bit...don't worry...I'll be back, eventually. If you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't LOVE you...it's because I DO love you...and me...and my sweet kiddos...and my hot husband...and I want to have SOMETHING to give. I just need to find it, & fix it, & make it give-able again.
good things...
1. clarity
2. my friend, blogger
3. my sweet husband, sleeping on the couch next to me, while I visit my therapist ;)
11 comments:
LOVE you Sue! Sorry life's so hard right now, but I know the REAL Sue and I know you'll make it through. Miss you like crazy!
Wow Sue, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You are absolutely right in saving whatever you've got for your family. My prayers are with you.
Hen! Just like Las, I know the real Sue Foo! I have to tell you that I understand just a little of what you are going through. When my brother died, we moved to our house, J was out of town for a month, my niece was diagnosed with diabetes, and I became a landlord. My list will never compare to the crap you had to deal with when Justin was gone or are dealing with now. However, I wanted to tell you the things I have learned and will continue to learn:
1. Trials happen to help us become better people. You know this. You went through and are still going through some very traumatic things. YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON YOU WERE BEFORE! You will be A BETTER PERSON! You will have more empathy, faith, wisdom, charity...and the list goes on and on. Don't keep wishing for your old self because that may not be your best self.
2. Allowing people to help you....well, it sucks, it's hard, and makes me more humble. I always think of Nadia because she always seemed to respond to service with such grace, even if it was something she didn't need. I will continue to learn grace the rest of my life.
3. You are the only one who is going to care for your family the way they need to be cared for. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends are all supplemental. Simplify away and focus on the people that matter most: your husband and kids.
4. Real friends aren't formed or maintained by the quantity of conversations but the quality.
I love you. I think about you and your family. Hang in there and know that I will do what I can to help you if you need it. You are and will always be an inspiration to me...just the way you were and just the way you are. Love you hen.
You wrote that you have nothing to give. I dare say you are wrong. You have given and shared with me a brave testimony. You have testified that we are all totally and wholly dependent on our Savior. That is the only way to get where we want to be. Thank you. You are a brave soul. I love nothing more than seeing, hearing, and reading honest things about people. You gave me an honest look inside your heart. Now I want to be better, try harder, and be a bit more honest. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Oh, Sue, I'm so sorry that everything has converged at once. To be honest, there must be a reason that the Lord allows us to be tested on every front from time to time, because I've experienced it and have felt I'm being crushed, but that's when I REALLY turn to Him and REALLY evaluate what's important in my life. From my experience, you have to turn to the Lord and also to your good husband. Alan and the Lord can get me through anything and I know you have that kind of a husband. I have to break down and pour my heart out to Alan sometimes. He helps me see things realistically when I can't and he and Heavenly Father team together to give me priesthood blessings that literally save me when there's nowhere else to turn. Talking to big sisters can help, too :) - you know we share some of the same DNA and inherited "qualities"! I love you so much and you should know that you and your family are always in my prayers. And I know you know this, and it seems simple, but it's more important than ever to count your blessings each day and look for the tender mercies from your Heavenly Father - I promise they are all around you daily. He hasn't left you alone and He never will. Hang in there, the rewards for doing so are beyond your wildest imagination!
xoxo
Sue, I've been thinking of you lately. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I will keep you in my prayers. Miss you!
Bogging friend! I love your inspiration to "slow down, simplify and regroup". I needed that reminder! I am currently preparing for a sacrament mtg talk on President Monson's First Presidency message for January. In preparing for it, I came across one from Pres. Kimball who said "sometimes the solution is not to change our circumstance, but to change our attitude about that circumstance and its difficulties so that we see more clearly our opportunities for more abundant service." You've already nailed this. Caring for 4 kids and a husband is a LOT of service in and of itself. No need to feel guilty for not reaching outside that ever-so-important circle at this point in life.
Oh, Sue! How I miss you! And I know the real Sue--she is amazing. I guess the reason my Christmas card came back was because you had moved! Sorry! Please know I haven't forgotten you and think of you often! Really, often, and wish I could be there to help you. A friend told me once that "the best thing you can do for your children is take care of their mother." Do what you need to do for yourself, and know you are loved no matter what.
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