Is this for real?!

I have SO much to write about, and will begin some serious back-logging in the next few days, but I just had to write a little something tonight. I just finished iChatting with Justin on the computer for the last time before he leaves for Afghanistan. I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to smile. I wanted to make him believe that we were fine here and he didn't need to worry about us, but I just couldn't find it in myself to tell that lie. I tried to smile, but he called me a faker. I know we'll survive...probably...but surviving and being happy, or even fine, are two very different things.

Don't get me wrong, there is no doubt that the Lord's hand has been in all of this. I have no doubt that He has very literally walked with me for the last 3 months and will continue to do so...but the thought of spending the next year without the one person on this earth who knows me best and loves me most is, well, sad. That's the only word I can really use. I feel sad that he will be on a plane, flying to the other side of the world, when Ellie starts her first day of kindergarten. I feel sad that he will miss her entire first season of soccer, and her first dance recital. I feel sad that he won't be here to see Eden start preschool, or take her first swimming lessons or dance class. I feel sad that Abbie is worried he won't be home on her birthday to baptize her. I feel sad that Ammon won't be a baby anymore when he gets home. I feel sad that there is an empty chair at our table and an empty spot next to me in our bed at night. It's amazing how dependent we become on each other for comfort, security, safety...things that take nothing more than simply being there.

So that's it...I'm too tired to even delve into how nervous I get every time I hear the phrase "combat zone". I have to put that one entirely in the Lord's hands--it's too much for me. All I can do is pray. Pray that he arrives safely, that the internet works there, that he ends up with a good bunk-mate (who doesn't mind him chatting with his family at every available opportunity), that he isn't too lonely, and that he never has to use anything he learned in combat training. In fact, I think I'll go say another one now...then try to push it all out of my head long enough to fall asleep...and start it all over again in my dreams.


good things...

1. knowing the next year will come to an end
2. knowing our family and the things that matter will never come to an end
3. knowing a good friend was in Kansas to see Justin off