losing it

I try not to lose it too often (whatever "it" is)--especially in front of the kids, but this morning was a lost cause. I fell asleep with the kids (again), which means I didn't take the garbage can out last night. I woke up this morning to the sound of the garbage truck outside. Knowing my can was beyond full (seeing as how I missed the garbage man last week as well :), and also knowing I would have LOADS of garbage this week with Christmas & the Afghanistan project...I jumped out of bed in a panic, ran out in front of the garbage truck in my pajamas to beg him to wait while I wheeled my can across the street. He acted slightly annoyed, but nodded his head...so I ran back to my garage, grabbed my can, slipped and fell on my un-shoveled driveway (with the garbage can falling on top of me), picked myself & the can back up and rolled it across the street. I waited in the snow while he emptied my can, and I made it back to my driveway before the tears came. I couldn't stop them. I stood there in my icy driveway, in my snow-covered pj's and put my head down and sobbed on my garbage can.

I miss him. The kids miss him. Today my tears were not for husband, dad, entertainer, friend, comforter...as they usually are. Today they were for that member of our family who normally takes out the garbage, shovels the driveway, puts up the Christmas lights, gets down the arsenal of Christmas decorations and puts away the Fall ones, cleans the hardwood floors, winterizes the lawn mower, builds snowmen with the kidos (because mom hates the cold), knows how to turn on the fireplace, carries the heavy stuff, and a billion other things. I want him to know I appreciate all he does for us. We feel his absence every day--not only in ways that make our hearts ache, but when we see our dirty floors, snowy driveway, sad & lightless house, fireplace w/no fire, boxes & bins sitting around (waiting to be put away)...we feel him gone. The thing that makes me love him so much is that I know he misses doing those things as much as we miss him doing them.


I'm dreading Christmas morning. Thanksgiving took me by surprise. We were so busy the week before. Even the night before, I was fine. I kept telling myself, "it's just another family get-together". I woke up that morning and the sadness sunk in. I wanted him there. I wanted him there WITH me. The hurt was there all day. It had a place at the table, and it was hard to have a conversation without tears taking over.

Now that I know what's coming...I've been trying to prepare myself. I want so desperately for this to be a MERRY Christmas for the kids. I want them to look back and have HAPPY memories of what we GAVE this Christmas to kids on the other side of the world--not because we knew them, but because they had a need & we had something to give. I want them to remember all of our friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers who also had something to give...and then gave it so willingly.

I know in a child's memories, a parent's sadness always overshadows everything else. That's NOT what I want them to remember. So my energy is going toward holding back the tide behind my eyes. Anyone who knows me, knows that is virtually impossible...even on a good day. As a missionary in Scotland, they called me the "greetin' (crying) sister". I kind of have a reputation for waterworks. When I'm sad--I cry. When I'm happy--I cry. When I'm surprised--I cry. When I'm overwhelmed (good or bad)--I cry. You get the point. My kids know this about me. They also know when the tears are sad tears. Those are the ones I'm NOT inviting to our festivities Christmas morning.

Again, my disclaimer: I'm not writing this to make you all feel sorry for me...in fact, that is my LEAST favorite thing...ever. So please don't take it upon yourself to cheer me up...although I wouldn't mind a few extra prayers requesting a happy Christmas morning. What you CAN do is send Justin a Christmas card. I've gotten so many cards, and I LOVE them! Each one is hanging on my wall. I love knowing each of you thought of me and my family as you wrote our name on the envelope or added an extra little note at the bottom. I want Justin to feel the same as he is away from us. I know many of you have already sent cards or packages, but if you haven't...go pop a quick note in the mail. Justin will be embarrassed that I'm soliciting mail for him...sorry, honey. I love you!

Okay...therapy session over. I feel better. Really, I do. Who needs a therapist, when you've got a blog?!


good things...

1. the sun peeking through the clouds (maybe he'll show up long enough to melt the ice in my driveway :)
2. a husband/dad who's presence is missed because of the ENORMOUS presence he has always had in our family
3. Ellie coming home from school, SO excited because her teacher "actually knows" Buddy the Elf's secret phone number